I am naturally attracted to those who open up to me about their life and I am electrified when those people seek me out for advice on their road to self-discovery. I thrive when people let me in to their past, share with me their fears and their vulnerabilities and are interested in getting to know themselves on a deeper level. I enjoy being on that intimate journey with them, I enjoy relationships that evolve and grow. I am not sure why - it’s just me.
I naturally guard myself against those who may abuse that part of my personality, and just for the record - there actually is warmth beneath the surface of me. But, I made the mistake of giving almost every part of me to someone toxic and poisonous, so the somewhat dry exterior is a shield of sorts. I’ve cared about friends/partners so much that it was overwhelming, but as fate would have it - I got burnt, bad.
So, if you have found that I smoke bombed, faded into the background of your life or mercilessly slammed the door in your face - below are some reasons why I may* have smoked bombed.
I’m intuitive, and I sussed out your motivations quickly, I felt like you were only investing time in me to get something out of me, although I gave you a few chances you kept playing the same game by manipulating me or calling me to a pity party more than once. You shared things with others I told you in confidence as if it were no big deal. (insert smoke bomb effect here).
2) You didn’t make the same investment I did.
I value time and energy above all else, and I felt you didn’t value the relationship in the same high regard as me, I pulled away and started to assess whether it was worth my time and you didn’t pick up on that hint. I am also aware that sometimes I forget people can’t read my mind. It’s my way of self-protecting against being let down or disappointed. (insert fade out here).
3) You let me down - You went back on your word too many times.
Those of you who know me would know that its rare I cancel plans or go back on my word, again, time and energy are valuable to me. I am a very patient MOFO - but my patience wore thin when you let me down regularly. Your apologies were just habitual oral reactions with no merit. (de-materializes).
4) You kept making the same mistakes.
You told me your problems and said wanted to work on them, you asked for advice and I gave it (soz if it was bad advice but YOLO). But you still called me every day telling me the same things, not willing to work on them, turning a blind eye and essentially asking me to fight your battles for you. (insert second smoke bomb, with fireworks).
5) I told you too much. This one isn’t your fault.
I shared intimate details of my life, family, inner workings of my mind. I told you my history and you listened willingly, you gained my trust and I felt comfortable with you to share these things. But afterwards, I methodically went through every conversation to find out WHY I told you these things. I imagined you telling others, judging me and I imagined things to be different after I told you. You didn’t answer your phone when I called ( you were ignoring me because of what I told you - says my mind). I came to terms with the loss of this friendship before it happened - which is why it seemed so effortless. Sorry. (insert door slam with fireworks and smoke machine for effect- closing credits).
*You could have just been an asshole really.